I hate to break it to you...

My friend Carol from church shared this story, and it was just too funny to keep to myself. She picks up her 4-year-old granddaughter Bella and brings her to church. One day, as Bella was watching her get ready, she announces, "Grandma, you have a big butt." It was a simple, matter-of-fact statement. Not meant to hurt feelings, just stating a fact. She then lifted up her grandma's skirt and examined her legs. "You have really big legs, too!" Carol decided to ignore it. Later, she announced she was going on Weight Watchers. Bella asked what "Weight Watchers" was, and Carol told her, "You'll be happy to know, if I join Weight Watchers it will make my butt and legs get smaller." Bella seemed satisfied with this answer and went on her way. The next time Carol went to pick her up, Bella ran over, grabbed Carol's skirt and jerked it up almost to her waist. She surveyed the view, then turned to Carol and said gravely, "Grandma, it's not working!"

That baby was WHAT?!?!

Elianna was paging through a Lifelines magazine, a publication of Bethany Christian Services, our adoption agency. I notice she is studying a picture of a family with their new baby. I am trying to familiarize her with adoption terminology, even if she is too young to grasp the concept... so I casually say, "See their new baby? See how happy they are? They have adopted that baby!" She whirls around and looks at me with this horrified expression. "They 'DOPTED the baby?" She asked incredulously. "Oooooh, pooh (poor) baby!" It took me a second to understand why she was so upset... and then I realize my little princess can't say her "R's." So when she says "Dopted" what she is really saying is "Dropped it." Naturally she was upset that this family was happy about dropping their baby... I guess she may be a bit too young for this concept!

An Embarrassing Moment

I know all moms with young children have plenty of these red-faced moments...

We headed out for our weekly trip to the "Wittle" library. Before leaving, I made sure both girls were dressed all cute and adorable, hair neatly styled, etc... (Well, Elianna's anyway. Not much I can do with Selah's fuzz.) Anyway, when we get there, this older woman comes up and smiles at them. Selah was sitting in the stroller, and Elianna was playing the computer. The lady says, "Let me guess, Daddy must be blond!" I get this a lot, so I just laughed and said, "Yep, sure is!" She leaned down, and Selah giggled at her. "Oh, they are just too sweet, look at how adorable they are!" The lady is going on and on, and I am quite proud... until I look down at Selah and realize the pink and mostly white outfit she is wearing is SPLATTERED with bright orange spit-up! She never spits up, let alone this much. So naturally it had to be now that someone was all leaning in to admire her that her clothes had to be adorned with leathery chunks of dried semi-digested sweet potato and turkey. To make matters worse, the lady turned to Elianna and said, "And look at you, with your beautiful dark eyes and hair! You must be just like Mommy!" Elianna was cheesing it up for her, tossing her hair around with all the finesse of a Breck model, when I heard a faint pffffffft. I closed my eyes and prayed the lady didn't hear the ominous noises emanating from my "beautiful" princess's little booty. If she didn't hear it, she certainly noticed it moments later when the odor began peeling the wallpaper off the walls. I gathered up my girls and headed for the counter as quickly as possible. I felt like saying, "Okay, we're just going to pick up our welfare check and head back on down yonder to our trailer." I am only praying that all all the effort we put into civilizing these wild animals pays off someday. Or maybe we can just marry them off young.

Are You Ready To Consider Homeschooling?

As many of you know, I am an avid supporter of home education. Now, with the cost of gas so high, think of all the money you would save not having to make long commutes to private schools, charter schools, etc... Here is an example of how it would work:

Mom starts the day off supervising breakfast


When it's time to begin class time, it helps to give everyone assigned seats.


Keep the day exciting by including fun games, such as "Where's Waldo."


There are a wide variety of classes a home educator can offer. Here are a few examples:

Health Class


Computer Class


Sewing Lessons


Art


Swimming Lessons


P.E.


An advantage to home educating is the mixed age setting. It helps to have the bigger kids help the little ones.


And everyone's favorite part of the school day - LUNCHTIME!!


After all the learning and excitement, everyone will be tired and ready for nap.


At the end of the day, it's time for baths. Make sure everyone is thoroughly dry before bedtime.

Birth Order Facts

I know we've all heard these, but they are just too funny to pass up. Sadly, I was doing a lot of the "child #3" things already with my first!!!

First Child: You begin wearing your maternity clothes as soon as your doctor confirms the pregnancy.
Second Child: You put off wearing maternity clothes and try to stay in your regular clothes as long as possible.
Third Child: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the birth

First Child: You practice your breathing exercises religiously.
Second Child: You don't bother with the breathing exercises, since they didn't help last time.
Third Child: You request your epidural be administered in your eighth month.

Baby's Layette

First Child: You pre-wash everything in baby detergent, then color-coordinate, fold and organize it all neatly in baby's dresser.
Second Child: You're pretty sure the clothes are clean, and you discard the ones with the really dark stains.
Third Child: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries

First Child: You pick up your child at the first sign of distress, whether a frown or a whimper
Second Child: You pick up your child when the wails might wake up the first child.
Third Child: You teach the older children how to re-start the swing.

Pacifier

First Child: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you pack it away till you can get home and boil it.
Second Child: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with the baby's bottle.
Third Child: If the pacifier falls on the floor, the child will have to wrestle the dog to get it back. To clean it, you wipe it on a clean part of your shirt, if you can find one.

Diapers

First Child: You change the diaper every hour, no matter what.
Second Child: You check the diaper every couple hours and change as needed.
Third Child: You change the diaper when it sags to their knees or people complain about the smell.

Activities

First Child: You take your baby to Infant Gymnastics, Infant Play Group, and Infant Story Time
Second Child: You take your baby to an occasional Playgroup
Third Child: You only take your infant with you out of the house when you absolutely have to.

Time Away

First Child: The first time you leave the baby, you call to check on them at least five times.
Second Child: You remember to jot down your cell number on your way out the door.
Third Child: Your instructions are explicit - Call only if there is blood.

At Home With Baby

First Child: You spend a good part of your day playing with, and gazing lovingly at, your baby.
Second Child: You spend a good part of your day making sure the older child doesn't pinch, poke, hit or in some way terrify the younger child.
Third Child: You spend at least a small part of your day hiding from your children.

When Your Child Swallows Coins

First Child: You take them to the ER and demand X-rays.
Second Child: You carefully watch for the coins to pass.
Third Child: You deduct it from their allowance