32 WEEKS!

I am 32 weeks today... and they decided to let me stay home!!!!! I would do two happy dances if I was allowed to get up.

The tests yesterday showed everything as still stable. My mom drove me to the hospital and carted me around the hospital in my royal chariot (okay, it was a wheelchair, but royal chariot sounds cooler). This is no small task, since she had to shuffle me between the clinic (where they examine me) and the Perinatal Assessment Center (where they examine my littlest guy), which are three floors apart and on opposite sides of the women's hospital. Factor in that I weigh more than my mom, and she got a workout. She did get to watch the ultrasound though, for the first time, and see the little munchkins having a party in there.

I met with a specialist, who pointed out (as we'd already discussed) that "stable" is not the same as "better." This condition does not correct itself, and although we are grateful that it has not worsened, it's still there. No one thought the little guy would hold on for FOUR weeks. In fact they were all figuring on days instead of weeks. Now, this changes things. After four weeks, the risks of leaving him in with this condition start to outweigh the benefits, and the risk of still birth starts to increase. So, although we are all thrilled that he has made it this far, we are scheduling a delivery for two weeks if nothing changes between now and then. Two weeks sounds like a long time, considering they are shocked he made it this far, but he obviously likes to surprise us!!!! But to avoid other complications, they feel it is best to take them at 34 weeks, when they have a good chance, then to leave them and risk something worse happening to the mini munchkin. The larger twin is doing well, and seems like he could handle birth at 34 weeks. (As much as you can predict anything like that.)

I personally don't think I will last two more weeks! I am huge, miserable, and sick all the time now. I am afraid I will go into labor before then, and the doctor said if I do, they will not stop it. Although one twin is so small, my belly doesn't know this and is bigger than someone who is nine months pregnant! (I am seven months.) I have also started throwing up again, since my stomach is being crushed, and this makes it hard to stay hydrated and has worsened my anemia. In spite of all this complaining, though, I really don't want them to be born yet!!! I know the discomforts (okay, misery) I am dealing with now is worth it if it means giving them a better start in life. So I will take a lesson from my littlest baby and just keep hanging in there! Not to mention, I know the real work starts once I have TWO little ones to take care of. Maybe I just won't move out of my in-laws... (hee, hee, now we'll see if she reads my blog...)

Home for the weekend...

This past week went very well as far as the monitoring and testing of the babies. After the initial bad results on Monday, every other test after that showed the smaller twin as stable with no more signs of reverse flow. (A few tests even showed some forward flow, which is a good thing.) Now if he would just GROW a litte more!!!! On Thursday I got another exam and I had not dilated any further. (I'm hovering betweeen 3 and 4. If your cervix can hover...) So, my specialist came in and said I could go home for the weekend if I followed her conditions strictly. Basically, total bedrest, lots of fluids, don't try to take care of my kids, and do frequent kick counts on the twins. This was nice since Saturday was my dad's birthday, so I was able to lay there on the couch, be waited on, and see my whole family together. We are staying with Chad's parents still, so his mom takes care of the girls during the day and Chad takes over in the evening/at night. I am going back to the hospital tomorrow for more tests and another exam, and to be honest I'm packing my bag in case they decide to admit me. On Tuesday I will be 32 weeks - a milestone we certainly didn't think we were going to reach!!! Of course I feel about 32 MONTHS pregnant, but in spite of how miserable I am, I don't want them to be born for as long as possible!!!!

My uncle has been kind enough to loan me his laptop, and I have tried to catch up here on my posting. However, if I am admitted again tomorrow, whether or not the Internet works in the hospital is sketchy... (and the IT guys at U of M, unlike the medical staff, are a bunch of jerks) What I'm driving at... I may not be able to post again for a while!!!

Tough days, Different Mind-set

Today was difficult day, since we got back two bad test results. The first was another bad Doppler on the smaller twin, only this time instead of more absent diastolic flow, they thought they saw reverse flow (which is worse). Once there is consistent reverse flow, they will have to deliver. I was glad I had made it a couple more weeks, but still disappointed to deliver this early. 31 weeks is better than 28, but it's still tough on the little munchkins. Then we got the results from the second test, a routine fetal growth survey. It seems in the three weeks since their last measurements, the larger twin grew almost a pound and a half! He is now over four pounds, and although this doesn't mean he won't have issues being born prematurely, it's better to be bigger. Then they measured the littler twin and found he had only grown a few ounces. He is now less than half the size of his brother, weighing in at just two pounds. I was so upset I just could not stop crying. After holding on for three weeks from when they initially thought they would deliver, I was SOOOO hoping he would have grown more. This result coupled with the other made for one sad, weepy mommy. It did get better, though! The doctor went over the results finding the reverse flow, and decided to do the test herself to verify. She tweaked some settings, and did the test again..and again...and again. After almost an hour, they still had not seen any reverse flow!!!! Hooray!!! She told me she would not recommend delivery, since the reverse flow was either not really there or obviously very rare. Because of how small he is, she said the risk of delivering him would be greater than leaving him in, even with the chance of reverse flow. What a roller-coaster!!!!!

I've had a lot of well-meaning people tell me, "Oh, don't worry. It's so obvious God is in this, I just know everything will be just fine!" The truth is, just because "God is in it" or "God is in control" does not guarantee everything will be sunshine and roses. I was talking to my aunt about this, and I pointed out I wondered if these same people would still proclaim God's greatness if one twin didn't make it or had some kind of long-term disability. Do we only have faith when it means everything working out exactly how we want it to? My aunt suggested that truly trusting God and having faith may not be trusting that He will provide two healthy babies who have no complications and just amaze everyone with their robust health, it may in fact be simply trusting that whatever happens, God will be there for us. He will give us grace when we are overwhelmed, strength when we can't take anymore, guidance when we don't know what to do, and overall the peace of knowing that whatever happens, it is exactly what He has planned for us. Really, it is a disservice to those with special needs children or children who have passed away to think that God is only in control when things go well. This has really helped me, believe it or not, because it has given me something to trust in. I wasn't comfortable with trusting God to give me two healthy babies, since I knew it may not be His plan for us. My trust and peace is in knowing that whatever happens, good or bad, it will be exactly what was meant to be. There are no mistakes, no surprises with God... although it appears differently to us! I am simply putting my faith in (as my aunt put it) trusting God to get me through whatever it is that lies ahead! Oh, I still have my moments, trust me. I'm still human and I have emotions. But overall that state of fearing the unknown and trying to figure out what God's plan was before I trusted Him is past. Now, we just take each day as it comes, take the good with the bad, and hope for the best... whatever that may be!

Job Surprise!

What a crazy weekend!!! I was admitted on Friday (2/6), Chad left on an early (5:00 a.m.) flight to North Carolina Saturday (2/7) to pick up our minivan (another great ebay find!!), and then drove home the same day, getting home after 11:00 p.m. Sunday after church and nap he dragged himself and the girls up to visit me. (He was understandably exhausted!) Monday morning he walks into my hospital room! I was surprised to see him. I figured after such an eventful weekend maybe he had called in to work, but that's not like him.

Long story short, he didn't call in - they laid him off. This was a complete shock, since there hadn't even been hints of lay-offs. To make matters even worse, our insurance was cancelled on January 31st!!! His company has claimed this is a paperwork glitch and they are working to remedy it. U of M has offered us the services of their free law clinic (it's basically law students that need the practice) if anything shady is going on. The conspiracy theorist in me thinks they "accidentally" ended it then to avoid paying the premiums for the entire month of February. Since I spent most of February in the hospital, you can imagine the bills we have piled up!!! We are just praying it truly was a mistake, they will work it all out, and the bills will get paid. Just our co-payments, deductibles, and uncovered items have already added up into the thousands - the last thing we need is to lose insurance altogether for a month. And I thought adoption was expensive!!!

On a more positive note, Chad is already in a new job. Within 7 hours of being laid off he was in an interview, spent the rest of the week doing paperwork, getting physicals, drug tests, etc..., and started work the following Tuesday. This job pays significantly less (over 1/3 less!! Argh!), but medical insurance will start March 1st, it is closer to home by 45 minutes, and there is no overnight travel. In this economy, let alone how lousy things are in Michigan, we are just grateful he was able to find work so quickly.

Didn't last long...

Well, I was home for a whopping 5 days when the smaller baby had a bad Doppler result. Also, I had a pretty bad heart episode and ended up almost unconscious. I tried to tell them that these episodes happen all the time, but somehow that didn't help my case. It doesn't help any that I tend to ramble incoherently when I am fighting to stay conscious, so I think I made it worse on myself. I kept assuring them the episode passes and then I am fine. I really wanted to get home if at all possible, but they couldn't give me a definite answer. My wheelchair was outside the door, and I heard someone ask if they could move it. A nurse said, "Oh, that wheelchair is for Harvey. She's not going anywhere anytime soon, so go ahead and get rid of it." Hey! I felt like yelling out the door, "You know I can HEAR you!" The doctor came back and did the mumble thing. You know, where they stand just out of earshot and mumble-mumble-mumble then turn to you with a big, happy smile like you didn't jut see them mumbling with their brows furrowed as if you had only hours to live. Anyway, they kept me for observation for a few (long) hours, but things improved enough that they let me go home... for the night. I had to come back the next day for an exam, and we found out I was fully effaced and dilated to 3!!! This was managed while on bed rest with no contractions, so they figured it was just the pressure of my gigantic uterus coupled with the fact that both babies are breech so there are four little feet tap-dancing on my cervix. The membranes were also bulging, and they didn't want to risk the umbilical cord getting pushed out, sooooooo back in the hospital I went.

Oh, and we cancelled all appointments/consults with Dr. Bryant and are going 100% with U of M. After a lot of discussions and prayers, we really felt this was what God wanted. Overall, we have been thrilled with how thorough, organized and really caring and compassionate everyone has been. There is great communication between the doctors, specialists, etc... so everyone always seems on the same page. They meet with me daily to discuss test results and their plans for my care. They take all the time I need with my long list of questions, and make sure to explain everything to my satisfaction. So, we're sticking with them for the long haul!

Just Waiting... and more decisions.

Today starts the trips to U of M for my outpatient testing. Other than that, I am just laying around doing kick counts on the babies. We are staying with Chad's parents since I am not allowed to do much of anything, and they are letting us use their vehicle for my tests this week. What a BIG help!!!!

We got some interesting news yesterday - Dr. Bryant is apparently back and willing to take me back as his patient! AAAAARGH. More decisions. I have finally accepted my transfer to U of M, spent hours on the phone coordinating all the appointments, insurance questions, records transfers, etc... and now we have to decide whether to stay at U of M or go back to St. Joe's/Dr. Bryant. Sometimes I wonder if God is trying to make me go crazy. We are staying with U of M this week at least, since all the appointments are already set up, and we'll see how things go. I am a bit concerned about switching back to Dr. Bryant, since last I heard he was extremely ill!!!! Is he really up to snuff already? Of course, who knows how much got exaggerated with hospital gossip. The guy could have had an ear infection for all I know. I am having a consultation with him on Wednesday, and hopefully will get more information for making the right decision. What a roller-coaster!!!