Tough days, Different Mind-set

Today was difficult day, since we got back two bad test results. The first was another bad Doppler on the smaller twin, only this time instead of more absent diastolic flow, they thought they saw reverse flow (which is worse). Once there is consistent reverse flow, they will have to deliver. I was glad I had made it a couple more weeks, but still disappointed to deliver this early. 31 weeks is better than 28, but it's still tough on the little munchkins. Then we got the results from the second test, a routine fetal growth survey. It seems in the three weeks since their last measurements, the larger twin grew almost a pound and a half! He is now over four pounds, and although this doesn't mean he won't have issues being born prematurely, it's better to be bigger. Then they measured the littler twin and found he had only grown a few ounces. He is now less than half the size of his brother, weighing in at just two pounds. I was so upset I just could not stop crying. After holding on for three weeks from when they initially thought they would deliver, I was SOOOO hoping he would have grown more. This result coupled with the other made for one sad, weepy mommy. It did get better, though! The doctor went over the results finding the reverse flow, and decided to do the test herself to verify. She tweaked some settings, and did the test again..and again...and again. After almost an hour, they still had not seen any reverse flow!!!! Hooray!!! She told me she would not recommend delivery, since the reverse flow was either not really there or obviously very rare. Because of how small he is, she said the risk of delivering him would be greater than leaving him in, even with the chance of reverse flow. What a roller-coaster!!!!!

I've had a lot of well-meaning people tell me, "Oh, don't worry. It's so obvious God is in this, I just know everything will be just fine!" The truth is, just because "God is in it" or "God is in control" does not guarantee everything will be sunshine and roses. I was talking to my aunt about this, and I pointed out I wondered if these same people would still proclaim God's greatness if one twin didn't make it or had some kind of long-term disability. Do we only have faith when it means everything working out exactly how we want it to? My aunt suggested that truly trusting God and having faith may not be trusting that He will provide two healthy babies who have no complications and just amaze everyone with their robust health, it may in fact be simply trusting that whatever happens, God will be there for us. He will give us grace when we are overwhelmed, strength when we can't take anymore, guidance when we don't know what to do, and overall the peace of knowing that whatever happens, it is exactly what He has planned for us. Really, it is a disservice to those with special needs children or children who have passed away to think that God is only in control when things go well. This has really helped me, believe it or not, because it has given me something to trust in. I wasn't comfortable with trusting God to give me two healthy babies, since I knew it may not be His plan for us. My trust and peace is in knowing that whatever happens, good or bad, it will be exactly what was meant to be. There are no mistakes, no surprises with God... although it appears differently to us! I am simply putting my faith in (as my aunt put it) trusting God to get me through whatever it is that lies ahead! Oh, I still have my moments, trust me. I'm still human and I have emotions. But overall that state of fearing the unknown and trying to figure out what God's plan was before I trusted Him is past. Now, we just take each day as it comes, take the good with the bad, and hope for the best... whatever that may be!